It’s a bad habit isn’t it? Well it feels like one to me. A good way of avoiding the most important elephant in the room.
What am I talking about?
Telling people what you think they should do or how the world is.
It’s something I almost fell into recently. Getting so lost in the rush of life that I forgot myself and how simple a part of life I really am.
I’ve been offline for the most part recently. It can get like a rushing river of thoughts, ideas and opinions, and I tend to drown rather quickly in that kind of rush; losing my sense of self and any hard ground to hold onto.
It’s not the first time, or even the only place where I find it hard to stay ‘me’. I’ve recently also come to some kind of early understanding of how I can get lost in pleasing people ( and changing my life to avoid fear of disappointing others ), something which has left me more twisted up than a pretzel.
So, for this post, I thought I’d simply drop everything else and ask that toughest and scariest of questions – WHO AM I?
Not an easy one to answer either, is it? I’m all the work and things I do for other people; I’m an aspect of those groups I tie myself to; I’m the words I cry in frustration, blindness, anger, pain; I’m my biggest mistakes and most accidental successes; I’m a thousand colours seen through the various lenses of all I touch.
I’m all of those but, when everything stops, I’m none of those.
That’s what makes it so scary after all. The fact that I don’t even know, and I can’t ask anyone else to tell me or join some group to make me, because they’re just clothes I put on.
What’s that? You’d like to have me say who I am?
I can’t. I don’t know yet… Actually, it’s kind of nice to say that. To not hold to expectations of being a specific. To be free from saying, ‘less than this ability and I’ve failed at me’.
Who am I. I’m the one sitting in a world that suddenly feels more open and alive, now I’m not looking at shadows for an image of myself. I’m the one who’s smiling and, just maybe, a little bit happy.