I’m stuck at home right now – a sudden heatwave makes it both dangerous for my health and for the life of the gardens I look after to work today.
All very logical and proper but, when you wake feeling ok and look out at sunshine the first thing that comes to mind is, “You’re being lazy and should be doing something – anything”
It’s crazy really, when you think about it, how we end up carrying these mantras ( for want of a better term ) long after their value is obviously out of place and they’ve lost the context that gives them purpose.
Things like holding your emotions in so you can deal with a situation ( but, when that’s dealt with and you’re alone at home? Do you still find you can’t let go then?), or hiding your weakness and brokeness long after your enemies have gone and there are only friends around ( there’s a wonderful post here about finding something special in our broken parts – https://pointlessoverthinking.com/2020/07/02/we-are-all-a-little-broken/ ).
It actually feels, at times, like the whole past 5 or 6 years have been one long journey in realising that most of my problems come from old habits to help protect myself, and learning how to give those up.
Yes, habits, that’s what they are.
Maybe we should have a whole organised thing going where we each stand and admit our problems? The whole, “Hi I’m ****** and I’m compulsively hiding behind activity and pretending I’m not really me”.
I know it’s a cliche and even mocked, but I’m serious – after all what’s an addiction, or a habit, if not a way to hide away using some unhealthy means to avoid facing yourself? Admitedly some are worse and more powerfully destructive than others but, believe me, when you get to the point that you look at the world and see that you’ve almost disappeared under the weight of trying to change to please others; that the only ones who really seem to see, or look for, glimpses of the real you are unable to get close because of the walls you put up and could even end up being pushed away; that so many have got used to you just being there and don’t even realise that you have other places you wish to be…
But I’m sure I’m not the only one.
You know, I became a gardener because I loved life but, now, I go to work and struggle to get back to that point, so long have I forgotten the gardens and just been there to do whatever I’m told.
That’s what makes my mindset today such a noteworthy thing to me. I can’t choose for my customers today – it has to be about me and the landscape I’m responsible for.
Of all the things that shakes me about this, that has to be one of the biggest. I lost sight of something so fundamentally me as my love of the life around me and it took the fear of losing those who care about me, for me to see it!
So, today, I’m going to stay home and, as I have for a while now, fight to relearn a little more of myself and find some more of my magic.
I hope this can help others with the same.