The rough, unloved path

As usual it’s just when I’m due to sleep that the words for a new post or story hit me. Must be a me thing I guess.

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I have my bad habits and flaws. Yes, it’s a huge shock I’m sure – gasp, I’m human.

Anyway, I have my bad habits and although I keep them to myself I’m not afraid to admit I’m flawed, however it was with some reluctance that I admitted that I tend to shy away into them at times, because I find life scary.

I don’t mean one off, big responsibility, ‘no pressure’ moment scared either, I mean the other kind; the scared which seems to sit there whispering in the early hours and calls from moments of excitement and tv screens. The fear of really seeing.

It’s that moment where you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and just see you with no embellishment or glamor. It’s when you look at the life you’re living and realise that there’s still plain walls under the fantastic tapestries you put up and rough hewn wood floors beneath all those rugs.

Strangely I don’t think that the bare truth is any less beautiful or fantastic but it’s like a mirror, while all the trappings are a sponge.

With the bare truth you can’t get away or hide and the only way to see it’s beauty is to spend time and effort in looking while the glitter and wonder of the rest of the worlds trappings leave you feeling ever smaller. But with the trappings you can keep your mind ever filled with the magic of something else.

I know I have to face those bare walls sometime soon but it’s hard not to shy away every time, especially with so many easy options available, ready to tell me a story which I can spend an age forgetting myself in.

What I don’t know is what I’ll find when I do get up the courage to look. Will all my problems be as huge as I think or will they be just shadows and small cracks? Will the world look just plain and boring or will I find myself diving into something more magical than I could imagine?

The honest answer is, I just don’t know. I suspect that once my eye’s get over the bright glitter of all the distractions I’ll start to see life has more subtle wonders to show me but I wont know until I get there.

But the big truth is that I can’t grow much without facing it.