Today I looked at myself and realised I wasn’t the same person I used to be.
Well. Actually I’m still the same me that I used to be, but I’m also someone new. Someone I’ve only recently met and am looking forward to getting to know.
I got to see me without all the doubt and fear, inner turmoil and self hate that grew in me all those years.
I’m sure you know the smoky tendrils I’m talking about – They reach out to all of us.
Every voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough; Every time I just want to run ( away or ahead ) because standing still scares me too much; Every lie I want to hold so I don’t need to see the true me.
All those fears that threaten to burst out and all those feelings that I’m just not good enough to be me, which just get reinforced every time I try and hide.
All of those were gone and I didn’t even notice them leaving.
What happened to make me stop running?
I realised I didn’t want to hold those I loved at a distance anymore and I couldn’t continue living trying to juggle the lies that hid me from them. It was too painful; too full of constant fears and new lies to hide from the last.
I had to trust that they would still love me and, without realising it, I had to trust that who I was would be worth loving.
A funny thing happened then. I realised I could be good enough, and that I always had been.
All those fears and lies ever did was hide my strengths and keep me from the best of me.
I could wake without a knot inside me and a worried eye scanning every second of the day to come, looking for my mistakes. I could spend a moment smiling without the question rolling around my head, “What am I going to do wrong to ruin this.” Most of all I learnt how to stop seeing every blip in my day as a major catastrophe to hide from the world.
I’m finally starting to trust myself and realising that I like who I am. I think, one day, it may be that I can honestly say I love myself, too.