Musings of Waking in the World

Scars

The more I live the less it feels like I know. I’ve certainly found myself struggling with who I am in this modern world and, most of all, with keeping hold of what I can only describe as some kind of innocence/love/compassion that I remember beating deep in my heart not so long ago.

I suppose we all have scars, whether they show or not. I tend to think of how so many of our bad habits can be used to hide them, from drink or drugs, anger and hate, sex, jokes, lies.
I could be wrong, it’s just how things look to me.

To me our scars can define us, from fresh wounds to centuries old ones, and from the most personal inner doubts to the most worldwide persecutions. It’s easy to categorize others, both by their wounds and their habits – victims of race, sex, disability., drunks, druggies, fools, liars.
That’s what’s hardest for me to come to terms with; the world is easier to see as packets and groups – big brush strokes of greens and blues – but it feels less real that way.
How can I take a hundred people, or a thousand, or more, wrap them all in a label and think I know them. I can’t. Every scar is individual and every wound is personal.

I don’t want to see the world in broad strokes, not even when it comes to trying to make it better, because it’s too easy to stop seeing the people who make up the painting. Every one is carrying a problem unique to them and reacting in a way that only they can, and forgetting that feels like a great disservice to them all.

Yet, even more importantly, I don’t think it’s the scars which define us so much as it is how we cope and grow from them.
Every person who’s found the strength to be themselves and reach out; every hero who’s smiled through the pain to give others strength; every heart that’s felt love in spite of the fear; every day waking and finding the strength to live when all they want is to die; these are the stories of who we are.

There’s a reason why I so want to see statues put up in place of those recently torn down. I want people to be able to say “There’s someone who had a dream”, or “They fought for their country in spite of the hate and proved to be the best pilots”, or “He swam through shark infested water to save them.”¹ I want to see heroes who remind me that we all carry something good inside, not just hear how we all also carry the worst of us inside. And yes, my examples are all of African Americans but it takes but a short look to see that there are heroes who stand in every field and have overcome every possible prejudice of disability, scars or problems.

Indeed, I’d go so far as to say we all have a hero inside ourselves and that everyone we meet can be a giant and a great, even if it never shows and we never get to see it.

¹Martin_Luther_King_Jr., The Tuskegee_Airmen & Charles_Jackson_French

Being at war.. with ourselves

The barriers of our everyday

https://pixabay.com/photos/war-reenactment-battle-soldiers-1822769/

The world is changing. It’s scary and uncomfortable and I can see so many good things, and bad, being born and dying; Hatreds being faced and destroyed (or fanned up and new born); Fears being cut down (or grown).

Yet, nothing truly seems to change. Not here, at the heart.
We still fight ourselves. We still fight to make everyone see us and to tell them we’re right ( I wonder, is this because we fear we’re wrong or we want to escape the things that hurt inside? ). We still get angry because our world is changing. We still hurt and try to hide our scars and pain because… I don’t know why, today.

I don’t know who’s right or wrong this time. In truth I think we all are a little. Every person seems to get pushed down by another and yet it’s so easy, in trying to fix that, to see it born in a new way. So many people get caught on one side or other and find themselves drifting away until they can’t hear any other thoughts.
I know we shouldn’t hate each other. I know that no being can be summed up by anything so small as appearances. Yet, from what I see, each person does so, for good and bad, and it takes effort to learn to see through first thoughts into what’s below.

Most of all, I know there are many things that we needed to see so we could fix them. I just hope we fix the causes of them first because so many hurt who aren’t seen in the fighting and no-one deserves to hurt so deep inside.

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Today I sat and thought, and it felt like I was looking at a mass of people forever fighting and dying. And I felt so sad, so deep inside.

I remember a saying that said something about how you can either get bigger by raising people up ( and yourself with them ) or by pushing others down. So when do we get to see people being raised up?

Perhaps it’s something that starts inside? Perhaps I don’t want to be right – just seeing a smile and the sun and hearing birdsong is enough for today.
A day that I know I’m enough. One where I’m not afraid to be frail and wounded.

A day when I don’t feel low and where some small thing I do makes anothers’ life better.

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The world is changing… I cannot change that, nor would I. I can only care about the world, one moment at a time. I can only hope to bring a little light to the part of the world I touch today.

BECAUSE..

Because, we all are a little broken..

Because every scar hidden inside burns a little..

Because., because sometimes we watch a perfect world and don’t realise they’re hiding scars too..

Because it’s easy to forget we all hurt at times. That we aren’t alone, and there are people who know hurt like ours. That sometimes, a face we fear is hiding a heart like ours.

Because.., it’s worth caring, and someone will see the scars and know the amazing that’s in a person who can carry them.

Because there’s something worth loving in each of you…

https://pixabay.com/photos/christmas-holidays-christmas-card-4715322/

Dreams – Magic for a year newly begun

I’ve begun this year at home, isolating like so many others.
For me it’s been both good and hard at the same time.

Hard because I’ve had to make sure that I have the money to survive, but more so because I’ve grown so used to having every waking hour busy with work or worry or watching tv. Doing nothing has become quite alien to me.
Good because it’s the first time in ages that I’ve stopped for long enough that my heart has found rest.

It’s like walking around with a bowl of water in your hands and, only when you stop moving do the ripples clear so you can see the bottom.

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Now I’m not stupid enough to imagine that the hardship of learning to stop in any way compares to so many other hards that we’ve all faced. Nor am I suggesting that isolating is good or that my life or options at all match other people’s. I’m just wanting to explain where my thinking for this post began..

So, where am I going with this? I guess it’s about what I saw at the bottom of the metaphorical bowl.

I had a chance to have a look back at me before I got so busy running around, worrying and fighting. When I wasn’t so scared or angry or unsure.
I found myself delving through old ’80s movies like Willow and Labyrinth, then returning to my art and wondering what I could create in my garden. Then, finally, back to why I painted and gardened to begin with and the question of what I dreamt about when I first began.

I used to dream of talking to the wildlife and listening to the world itself, from the whispers of the trees all the way to the depths below and the wind blowing above.
Yes, I know, it probably sounds crazy and childish. The thing is, it’s not just the dream – I used to be able to see a little magic in everyday things and make a little magic in the most tedious or boring of moments, smiling at them rather than bemoaning them.

It made me smile again, to remember and, I hope, gave me a chance to bring a little bit of magic back into my days.

So I thought I’d share this with you all because it feels like it’s something we could all do with a little of.
I hope you too, have some magic or dreams alight inside to help you and that, perhaps, reading this short post brought them to mind.

Covid deniers- a little logic

I used to live in lies. It was a lot easier to do than face the truth, because, mundane as the truth was, it left nowhere to hide and no-one to blame.

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I saw some posts by some people today, where they claimed that medical staff are lying and Covid is a lie. It annoyed me like crazy to see that and read them verbally harassing care workers who are working so hard to help others.
Yes, I can understand that it’s scary having our lives turned upside down by a virus – we can’t see or hear it, we can’t hit it or run from it and it feels like it’s all around us – and having no-one we can blame for it, nothing we feel we can do. But denying it isn’t the answer either.

Now, hundreds of people have talked about the emotions and lives affected ( you can turn on the news or read facebook to see how much health care workers have been fighting and striving against this virus; politicians wheel out figures of dead and ill daily ) so there’s no point my adding my voice when I’m not a medic or scientist.
What I am is an ordinary person with a simple brain and a little logic.

So, that’s what I’m going to speak with. This is all based on simple logic.

First, a few facts –
1. Governments make money by taxing businesses and workers, trading with other countries and generally making sure they have to pay out as little money as possible while keeping the country healthy enough to keep working. Some care about people, others about power, but that doesn’t change this basic requirement.
2. Politicians stay in power with the help of at least one of these – large businesses, rich contributers, popularity among the voting populace.

Now onto the affect of the reaction to a Covid pandemic on countries –
1. Businesses have to cut back or shut down to prevent spread ( in other words they make a loss and don’t have to pay as much [ if any ] tax next year ).
2. International trade takes a dive ( as do stocks in many businesses ).
3. The government has to pay out money to help shore up businesses and the economy so the country doesn’t fall apart.
4. Large business owners and rich people hold their money tight and cut back contributions to politicians.
5. Public popularity for politicians takes a nose dive as people get scared and unhappy.

So what does that tell me?
That any government that fakes a Covid crisis, or responds to a real one, is going to see it’s chances of staying in office plummet and its income dry up.
Sure, they could invest in drug companies but they’d still lose more money than they’d gain.

So why on earth would anyone smart enough to gain power be so stupid as to fake something that would ruin them???

Answer – They wouldn’t

Bluntly put, the only reason for governments to respond to Covid is because it’s real and dangerous and capable of destroying lives and on a large enough scale to affect the income/ overall health of the country.

There are real people out there dying, and real families and friends grieving, and real care workers working beyond their own strengths.
They deserve our compassion and respect, our trust and support.

It’s not much to ask – that we care.

Weak/Strong

In many ways I’m following on from my previous post with this one.

I recently came across the opinion, online, that ‘left wing attitudes are wrong because they try to make everyone equal when the truth is that we aren’t all the same and some are weak while others are strong.’ It’s an opinion that played on my mind and I felt I had to reply to, both directly and in a blog post.

So I want to explain my thinking here rather than just say I disagree, and to do that I’ll break this down into two points that were made-

1. We’re all different
2. Some people are weak and others are strong.

Point 1. We’re all different

Actually, I agree ( although, I think, for different reasons ). We are.

I know this because there’s no way I’d be strong enough to take the pain to give birth to a child or, for that matter face knowing I’d have that ahead of me for a full 9 months ahead of time.
That said, I’m sure there are people who, on dislocating their elbows, wouldn’t be able to call 999, then a friend for a lift to hospital, then walk a couple of houses distance, be driven to hospital, organise to cancel jobs for the next few days and phone loved ones, all without screaming because every jolt or movement was agony.

And that’s just about different pain thresholds, I don’t even need to get into ways of thinking, instincts, reflexes, triggers, mental endurance, etc..

Point 2. Weak vs Strong

Now here is where I strongly disagree and, what’s more, I think this is an issue which a lot of us on all sides of opinion, tend to miss.
By which I mean, we have a habit of defining everything in terms of good or bad, weak or strong. I think we’re wrong to do that all the time and not just in the obvious ways.
I think it’s wrong to dismiss someone as weak and think they’re worthless, but, equally, I think it’s wrong to pity them for being weak and blindly offer money or goods without understanding that these people are more than charity cases.

In both cases we don’t actually see the people, we just see their weaknesses.

I used to think I was worthless and judged myself against others who seemed so great. I was wrong there too, for much the same reason and also for putting others on a pedestal of always being strong.

You see, I’m not half as good as many others in certain ways but, you know what, I’m persistant and I have things I can do that amaze people. It took me a long time to realise that and a whole heck of pain before I saw my abilities bloom, but I made it. I’m also pretty sure that I can do somethings that those people I thought were supermen, can’t ( and I can imagine it’s hard at times, asking for help when everyone thinks you’re so great ).

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Our whole mindset as a society is to place value on things and people, but I’ve yet to see a moment in life which can’t change or a person who doesn’t have some weakness they need help with AND some strength they can offer somewhere/somehow.

It’s a more difficult thing to do, I’m sure, but so much more useful, to ask where each individuals’ strengths are so we all can benefit from them, and where their weaknesses are, so we can support them.
And the same goes for ourselves ( though I know this can be the hardest thing ) because, no matter how strong we are, there will still be a time when we need help and, even at our weakest, when we think we’re useless, there’s still something in us which is strong and useful, we just can’t see it today.

The Strategy of Kindness

I have to admit that it saddens and surprises me so often when people are nasty, or depicted as such, especially when it’s for no good reason.

Strangely, I can find no obvious benefit for such actions either, other than to avoid something you fear.

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Oh, I know the basic premise ( as Scrooge might say ), that you get rid of excess weight, dead baggage and anything which might remove money from your pocket, however this thinking hardly seems to stand the light of anything close to the simplest of reasoning.

We are a communal race and successful for a reason. It only takes a brief glance at folklore, fairy tales and fables to see the benefit of supporting each other no matter the first appearances of our value – whether this be a woodcutter sharing food with a nobody to be safe chopping wood, a warrior showing respect of a stranger who turns out to be a goddess or a lion who discovers that a mouse’s returned favour may save them from a net.

“Ah, but none of this is real,” you cry.
And yet, I reply, a whole country may come together, each paying a small amount, knowing they may never reap a benefit, and in doing so create a system which means we never fear to be unaided at a time when we are ill, uneducated or without work. A system which may be struggling now and yet one which has supported so many for so long based on everyone doing what they could for a united benefit.
Or, imagine yourself being in a position of having money and losing it in a bad investment. If you’ve treated those around you badly the chances are that they will walk away as soon as there’s no cash, but if you’ve built friendships and helped others there’s a good chance they’ll be there to at least help you start to get back on your feet ( even if not for kindness, certainly they know if you benefit you will share it with them. A situation where they can’t lose ).

Kindness can be a safety net – a certainty that, if you run into trouble others will be there to support you because your gains are shared out. What’s more, we all have different skills so that the more people who support us, the more skills we can call upon in any situation.

You see often a folktale or legend ( no matter how real it is or isn’t ) has some loud and important truth it’s worth learning and which is of huge benefit to us today. About listening to advice from someone who knows the land, even if they seem poor and ‘beneath’ you; not judging the value of a person by what you can see; or understanding that even the smallest of us has a value and a gift which may change our lives for the better.

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Of course, for most of us, the kindness itself is a worthwhile benefit but, for those who don’t see that, remember there’s immense value in the support of a community and friends, in a world where no-one can see with certainty, the happenings of tomorrow.

Seeing the light of others

Reflections on beautiful music

Image by My pictures are CC0. When doing composings: from Pixabay
Image by jplenio ( link above didn’t include the artists name )

I’ve just been sat listening to ( ok, crying to ) some songs which I like, among them Christina Perri’s “Only Human” and Clean Bandit’s “Symphony”.

It’s funny how a song or movie can touch you so much, releasing the flood gates on held back emotions or opening eyes to worlds unseen.
The thing that struck me this time, other than a wave of reasonless sadness, was how much you can want to reach out to these strangers who’ve somehow given voice to some aspect of a heart. It’s like we get a glimpse of the best parts of a person and want to see that as it blossoms.

Of course these are real people, and more than the sum of one song or movie, but we so rarely get to see such a bright light shining on the local butcher or those loud children down the street. More often we’re likely to bump into them when they’re rushing or on business or worn down.
I don’t know the musicians or actors, and certainly don’t get to see more than the parts they project into their work, probably they have the same days of pain, rush or tiredness. However their gifts allow us to see the best parts.

The thing that I’m driving towards, though, is that everyone out there has some good side to be seen. Some have been so bad we don’t want to even imagine it because it feels like we’re dirtying the good in this world or ignoring their evilness, but, for most other people we meet, we don’t get to see it because we’re all so busy and tired and worn down.

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

It feels like the world is a little bit better, for me, thinking that there is goodness all around me and that, knowing it’s there can give me that little extra spark to be a bit more me through the tiredness.
Maybe, for a few days, I can go without moaning about something that’s wrong ( or seems wrong ) around me and, instead, smile at someone who’s more than a bit right inside.

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As so often happens, I finish a post and step away, and my mind keeps thinking. So let me add this REALLY important point –

I’m lucky that I’m safe and strong now, but I do remember a time when seeing the good in others meant seeing myself as less. That feeling was wrong but that doesn’t change how I felt.

Those who hurt me were, possibly, good friends or loving sons, or any miriad of things, and, now I’m strong and free from being hurt I can look for that in them. That does NOT change the fact that they hurt me without even a care to who I was! It does NOT change the fact that I was lucky to have been take away from where they could hurt me!
Most of all, it does NOT change the fact that what they did to me was wrong and I ( and everyone else ) should never be put in or kept in a place where that could happen.

Seeing good in someone also means seeing it in yourself. Some reading this may not believe this but you have good in you too, quite possibly a shining beacon, and you deserve a chance to be yourselves and know love and safety and a chance to shine.

No one has the right to take that away.

The barriers of our everyday

Point 1. We’re all different

Point 2. Weak vs Strong

Reflections on beautiful music

A sense of community online

Trigger warning – This and the reblogged post mention misuse of people’s photos of various ages.