Loneliness of Living the Mask

The Fear of Showing You

I’m trying to learn not to lie. I made a promise you see.

It sounds a simple thing I’m sure. I knew it wouldn’t be when I accepted that this is something I would do, but I also didn’t know how many lies I was wrapped in either.

I don’t think I’m the only one with this issue. Well, in a selfish way, I hope I’m not – this is something too scary to think I’m alone with.

But then that’s the issue. The turning point in realising why I have a problem. You see I’m scared that all my castles in the sand of what my life is, could wash away should people see the real me..

The real me. I; real? I don’t even know all of what is real me and what is my mask and cloak. It covers in thick drifts of dust or rings like onion skins.

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At first I thought it would just be those lies I used to cover my mistakes ( yes, I picked that up. Just give me 10min, I need to pop out for a bit. ); the ones that would mean my family didn’t know I had failed; that meant they didn’t worry; the hopes they couldn’t see I’d let them down and the half truths so they wouldn’t see my tarnish. Then I cleared enough away that I could see below and I began to be aware the enormity of my quest.

I’ve placed myself in so many boxes and accepted that being this is so much more user friendly than being that.., And I’m the lucky one, without fear of long held stigmas.

I’ve only slowly become aware of how those I know who are homosexual or bisexual ( or with other relationships or of other genders; so varied but all so much the same by fact of the love they share for whomever is right for them and the hopes of living as they ‘are’ ), of bad background or having the ‘wrong’ parents or religion, must feel ( and even that can only be a guess ). For some there may be a choice of having to cut their life fully in two and carry the stress of swapping boxes, hoping a false word or accidental meeting doesn’t mix things up; or cutting off swathes of their world so that the pain of truth in the wrong ears can’t break them; or steeling themselves to stand tall, always waiting for an unexpected wind of sharp cutting words to come their way.

Image by OpenClipart-Vectors from Pixabay

I’m NOT a box!

I don’t know how not to be one, to be honest. Not when we all hold onto our boxes – even activist is a box when you think about it.

I find myself trying to be me and then a part of me will make something I did so much bigger and something else so much smaller. Not as a lie you understand, but to show the best of me, and the worst thing is I don’t even know I’m doing it. I’ll be trying to help and it comes across as if I think I’m a great expert, when all I am is swimming through similar waters and finding one stroke easier.

Yet it’s a lonely thing wearing a mask and not knowing if your friends, your family, your partner or even children could accept you if they saw the scars beneath. Then, if you do let some of your mask down, you end up constantly looking over your shoulder wondering when ‘they’ will notice and how long til the scars put them off.

The funny thing is I see others with their boxes and find it so easy to see they don’t need them and that the box doesn’t even begin to hold all the good bits of them, but when it comes to myself I can’t be so kind.

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So, just for today ( because it’s been a nice day ) let me stand tall, offer my hand and say “Hello.”

My name doesn’t matter and my skin – well lets just say it’s skin; I have someone in my life I love so deeply I want to be whole for them and I believe in something that is truly worth caring about and keeps me strong when all I want is to hide; I’m not great or wise or powerful and if I have thoughts or advice it’s because I fell down that hole or tripped on that branch before you; I’m a mess starting to be sorted and fears starting to be faced.

And, for today at least, I am proud to have all of these faults. For, today, I am me.

What gives a person value?

Image by Nattanan Kanchanaprat from Pixabay

I wasn’t planning on writing a new post so soon but a recent blog post by Betul on the Pointless Overthinking blog has tied in with a thought raised by both a tv show I’ve been watching and a blog post by Kylara ( links to both further down ) about sense of value and how we so often put a value both on ourselves ( for our percieved strengths and weaknesses compared to others in the same areas ) and upon others both near ( friends and family ) and far ( world leaders and tv stars ).

We all do it to one degree or another. We choose to read this post or vote for that candidate; to make friends with that person or give money to that charity. Quite frankly we couldn’t live without some kind of discernment of who and what were most relevant or valued in our lives but, like all things, it’s so easy for us to get carried away. To assume that valuing one thing makes another somehow lesser or to be outside of a valued group makes us less valuable.

It’s interesting how we go from “this person is someone I can connect with/has some attribute I like,” to “this person is more valuable than that one”.

At the same time there’s also the question of why we think weakness is a bad thing when it is, so often the thing which shows our strengths as we struggle to overcome, circumvent or come to terms with it.

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In Kylara’s recent post about taking care of your mental health while following a pagan path ( http://kylarathought.blogspot.com/2020/02/mental-care-is-self-care.html ) this came out most strongly in the point that we so often find ourselves wanting to live up to some image of the perfect follower that has been created for us to, well, follow and when we inevitably fall short this is something that is seen as shameful and failure, when really it’s part of who we are. Growing from and dealing with these parts of us are our strengths and show the power in us that is hidden and unused if we don’t have it to face.

At the same time the programme I was watching had a young man with autism who felt he had to prove to himself that he had value, because people had told/treated him all his life as though he was of less value than others. Watching him over the course of several episodes it became obvious that he had been valued not for his personality but for his disability; For their comparison of him to other, more mentally able, people.
You could see, in each fight to converse with people or face new situations, a deep strength and calm focus which he brought out of himself and they shone through as he found confidence in facing these struggles.

Then I read Betul’s recent post ( https://pointlessoverthinking.com/2020/02/23/do-you-belong/ ) on the Pointless Overthinking blog, about how we lose ourselves in belonging and it reminded me of my own struggles with being part of a community. The sense of needing to be part of a group and match others so that I would be of value; the feeling that not being able to interact at times made me less and that I needed to hide parts of myself to fit in; even the memory of times when I felt ostracized and, because of that, valueless.
I realised that I had lived most of my life with the idea that if one didn’t have those qualities deemed ‘good’ then that meant I had to have the ones deemed ‘bad’ ( in a value sense ).

However, the thing is that value, though a fine thing for connecting to others, isn’t like justices’ scales. If one value tips the weight down on one side it doesn’t mean those without it are thrown in the air on the other side. It most certainly doesn’t mean that all that are not like one mould, or in one group, are lesser because of it.

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I’m sure everyone’s now saying “but I don’t do that”. So let me ask you, when you last had a vote for government did you think “I like that person so the other one standing must be awful” or was it more “I like this persons ideas but that one has some good ones too”?
And it’s not just in others we do this. Have you ever found yourself feeling less worthy because you weren’t like that amazing neighbour who managed to cook a 5 course meal for ten or because you weren’t among your colleagues chatting about some tv show?

I don’t know about you but I do, every time I feel tired and low; I still find myself wanting to be part of chats where I really have nothing to add just so I don’t feel less valued; I even, sometimes, feel low because all I see are the values that don’t fit in and the faults that look worst. I guess the only difference is that I’ve learnt that I am strong enough to feel valued again tomorrow.

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So, next time you feel on values’ scales remember, you aren’t alone and, no matter what’s said or done, you’re as valuable for who you are as anyone else in this world.

Not My Problem!

I was talking to some relations the other day about some local housing plans and was somewhat disappointed when their response was that “it’s not my problem”.
The thing is, and it took me a long day of thinking to realise this, they’re right. It’s not my problem – it’s not anyone’s problem really, at least not until it happens….

Yes, I know. Shock, horror, that I said such a thing. Have I gone mad?
No. Nor have I decided we/I don’t need to care about the future. What has changed is my thoughts on why I should care

“It’s not my problem” or “it is my problem”.
Think about those sentences for a second. Since when did our future change from a dream to a chore?

I certainly recall that it wasn’t like that when I was a child dreaming of magical worlds like those you see on Star Trek movies, and how many people out there watched The Black Panther and thought, “Wow, that would be a great place to live” or dreamt of all the amazing technology of Iron Man?

A lot of what changes now won’t necessarily make a big difference in our lives or our lifetime. Certainly there are things I plan ( like my will ) which can’t happen until I die. However, I don’t want to be doing these things for myself. I do them because I care about those who I leave behind or because I dream of the world being that bit better tomorrow – nearer to the world I always hoped it would be.

So, next time someone tells me, “It’s not my problem”, I hope I’ll remember and tell them it’s not my problem either.., it’s my hope.

Thoughts on PostBrexit Responsiblities

Aren’t we responsible for the power we give our leaders?

The morning after we, in the UK, left Europe I switched on my tv and was confronted with a group of people saying that we’ve now done our bit and everything else is Boris Johnson’s responsibility. This irked me, although I realised it’s probably a common view.
You see we’ve just had years of people shouting about wanting their voice heard and how the government must do what we tell them ( which I agree we have the right to ) but, as soon as what we – as a country – demanded gets done, we then say that anything that happens because of it is not our responsibility. What’s more, when we had the option to say we’d like some control over how it happens or what rules are put in place or changed we said that we were fed up with voting and making choices and, instead, the government should do what we told them to ( bear in mind none of our PMs have claimed to read minds ).

Now, before anyone asks, it’s not a question of being for or against Brexit. It’s about realising that we, the people, are responsible for our country. Sure we can’t fix homelessness or debt but each time we vote we’re choosing the people who can and, what’s more, we’re reaffirming that THEY WORK FOR US !

Oh, I know that seems a crazy thought, after all these are such powerful people who know details of what’s going on which we don’t, but everything they do affects our lives, and the fact they have this power is because WE chose them, so why shouldn’t they listen to us? We are, after all, the ones who know most about the difficulties we face; we’re the ones who see our neighbours when they struggle; we get to struggle with getting benefits or keeping our businesses afloat; we live with our disabilities and know what’s needed to help us survive.

As we leave Europe there will be laws that will be cut or created and benefits that may not exist or change dramatically, and these will affect us directly so surely now is the most important time for those who are deciding how these things will work to know how we need them to work and why.

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It’s not just a UK thing either. In the Constitution of the United States ( not, as I originally wrote, the US Decleration of Independence ) it actually reads:

We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare , and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our prosperity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
Constitution of the United States ( 17th September 1787 ) – https://constitutionus.com/

‘We, the people’, not ‘We the leaders of the people.’

In a permanent document, on which all else would be founded, the powers which the people, as a whole, hold, were written first, before all others. I say as a whole because it doesn’t include any more limits than that they be of the United States – no value, occupation or gender were noted . There was no set on time limit or maximum numbers, no question of whether they have their own home or that they be fully able bodied.

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If, then, we have this power to choose who’s in charge and this voice to tell them what we want, then surely we have a responsibility to use those and, in turn, carry some of the responsibility for what happens because of the choices those in charge make in our names.

Further more, this responsibility means we need to ask ourselves what these choices we ask for really mean and what really caused the problems we have; not just blaming it all on some group or other; not just looking to ourselves and ignoring the poorer or ill; most certainly not just choosing the cry that all will be better without any explanation of how.

We in the UK, are in the midst of a complete change while, in the US, an election for who will lead the country for the next four years is soon to occur. We have a chance, not only to choose who leads us but to tell them how we want them to lead, all we have to do is realise that we have the right to tell them.

WELCOME

This will, hopefully, become a little corner of the internet where I can share my thoughts and feelings and, perhaps, make a little bit of a positive change in the world – whether by bringing some light into life or offering a new perspective.

Please feel free to look through my musings and comment. I welcome both constructive arguments and kind agreement for, the more we talk the more we can learn and the more we discuss the more we see.

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So, who am I?

Truth be told I’m still learning some of that myself. A year ago I would never have imagined I’d feel strongly enough about something to want to post it online but here I am.

I’m a man who spent much of his youth hiding away from the world but has slowly ‘woken up’ to find that the world looks vastly different to what I imagined it would.

I live in the UK and love my home for the wonderful countryside and colourful tapestry of its history. Most of all it’s the life that fills this lovely land, from the pounding waves of the coast through the ancient forest roots to the echos of past footsteps in ancient buildings. It’s a land of living history born from the lives of every farmer and labourer and rising up through every royal and lord.

There used to be a belief in ancient times that kings were tied to the life of the land – responsible for the lives of everyone and everything they were ruler of. It’s a belief I love the idea of and one I feel still applies today in each of our lives, whether we’re king just over ourselves or landlords watching over tenants and property or farmers who represents vast fields and herds of sheep.