Musings of Waking in the World

Life as a box

I’ve run across a couple of really thought provoking posts recently. Both of them left me thinking about how we view normal in our society.
I’m not really good with people myself and have a hard time controlling myself to not say or do something stupid when in a community setting. It can be draining, depressing and frustrating all at the same time. There are days I just want to stay home and not have to try to deal with anyone or anything; days when I want to rest instead of feel like I’m struggling with myself.

I guess the reason I keep going is that I care about it/them. I don’t want to let them down. I love this world even though sometimes I feel like I’m watching it from some vast distance.
That’s of course where loved ones come in. I’m lucky to have people who’ve seen me at my most inept and who’ve stuck by me and loved me as I am; who remind me that me is worth being.

The thing is I wonder if there’s really a normal or are we all just trying to fit into a ‘one size fits all’ cardboard box so we can walk around all the others in their cardboard boxes.
For some maybe it’s easy to fit in but for most I’m pretty sure it must be cramped. For still others it comes with a situation where you almost have to cut off a limb which happens to stick out of the box.

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The first post ( https://landweird.wordpress.com/2021/07/18/neurodivergent-magic/ ) is a reminder that we aren’t all meant to do things the same way and even that there is more value in doing things different ways and seeing the world from a different perspective.

The terms neurotypical and neurodivergent, I admit, irk a bit for me as they feel like a wall that’s trying to stop me seeing another way and telling me that there’s a them and us truth which is to be rigidly held. It’s a personal thing but one I feel it’s worth noting as it follows with the thoughts in my head right now.
I’d be classed as neurotypical and yet have a concept of what it feels like to struggle with time ( my minutes of looking in the pond were other people’s hours of being blankly sat beside a pond ) and social interaction. It’s part of who I am and not something I can just pretend doesn’t exist or want to cut off so I can be ‘normal’. It’s something which allows me to gain some small understanding of another person and so is of great value to me.

Likewise, the practices which are pointed out can be of use to people all over because no one way can work for everyone.

By locking ourselves into a box of ‘normal’ we choose to not see the differences in ourselves that make it easier to connect to each other and maybe even create blocks which will hold us back from learning how to do our things better.

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The second post ( https://beanchaointe.wordpress.com/2021/03/30/the-socially-dysfunctional-badb-devotee/ ) is questioning what socially dysfunctional is and has a key line for me of, “I assume social dysfunction means being unable to conduct one’s daily life in a way that doesn’t repeatedly cause distress to oneself and/or others”.

It raises the huge question of how do you know if you’re causing distress and which do you sacrifice when your distress meets others distress.
What does the distress stem from. Is it because we fear difference or fear someone seeing that we too are different? Is it sometimes distress at fearing someone will see our faults and differences?

Perhaps it’s because we don’t know what different might do, after all it might not be bound by our rules.

I had a situation recently where I felt so scared because I had to stand up in public with every chance that everyone would see how incapable I was with basic communication. It felt like a nightmare of being naked in front of the world.

I was scared of the ridicule of being seen to be different, of being seen without my box of normalcy.

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Is it worth all the fear? Is it worth taking away our abilities to really see others?

On the concept of different not having to follow our rules is that a bad thing? Is it a true thing?
Do we follow rules just because they are or do we do it because we feel they’re right? Because there’s a vast difference between following a good law and following the spirit of a good law ( and I’m not even going to go into good and bad laws ). Many ‘normal’ people have done awful things both breaking laws and following them and many who were not so classed have done kind and good things; it is foolish to assume that normal is safe and anything else is dangerous when our hearts are not in a position to be seen or judged.

And, if we’re all different inside our boxes, doesn’t that mean we’re all more alike than we think, because we’re all having to choose and learn how to come together and because we’re all going to have some differences which overlap and allow us to better reach out to each other.

Can being different help us reach out to each other when being the same involves so much of us being hidden from each other?

World Changing, Climate Breaking

So, there’s a new report out on climate change, one even stronger than ever with results even more dire and note worthy. It comes on the heels of news of devastating fires in Greece & ever worse fires breaking out from year to year in parts of the US and Australia.

A quick flick through news stories and comments ( and I admit I find computers leave me totally drained so I tend to do quick flicks rather than spend ages researching ) left me with the strong sense of everyone saying “someone do something” or “I don’t want to do anything” but no loud “what can I do’s” yet.
Now I have to admit that I can’t see my own actions changing anything and I’m sorely disappointed that I can’t afford an electric car or to realign my house and stack it with solar panels ( not just for the environment but also because it would save money in the long term. Yes, helping the world can help yourself too ) but that doesn’t mean I can just put everything on someone else or not do something.

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Of course the question is what.
Buying energy from a solar panel using supplier, tick.
Growing plants and shrubs to help absorb pollution, tick.
Hmm.., at this point it becomes very difficult to work out what next.

I own a car and drive it for work purposes, which I cannot do from home, so that’s off the list. I think I keep the milage low but maybe there’s room to drive more fuel efficient or even cut down on some shopping trips. Worth thinking on and, again, it would save me some money which always helps.
My mower and other power tools are all electric so I guess that’s a tick.
I guess after that it’s down to cutting down on as much non recyclable packaging as possible ( not just to stop rubbish but also I get the impression that making plastics etc would require heavy equipment and high emissions ).
I don’t know, maybe I’m missing something else but that seems a fair bit to start with.

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Of course it’s only a drop in the ocean, it would take everyone doing it to start to make a change and the industries and governments would need to change too but that’s something I can’t do anything about. Much as I’d love every building and car park covered by solar panels or green roofs, I’m not going to be sneaking out at night and clambering over chimneys with a length of cable and some batteries.

The funny thing is that a lot of changes we can make are things we’ve just lived through such as less driving, essential & focused shopping, even getting back to gardening as a hobby. Things we were forced into by Covid lockdown and which, unfortunately, we’ve railed at and fought against the whole way through.
Oh, I’ve heard the “it’s so hard still having restrictions” as most restrictions get lifted and seen people walking around places mask free when the poor staff are still wearing masks and having to face the, new, dangers of doing shop work. I know a lot of shops closed for good and so many people struggled ( and still are ). The world turned upside down and shook us hard.
However it wasn’t done on a whim or for fun, these were rules brought in to save lives, lives of friends and family. How much harder will it be for us to follow them when we can’t see who we’re helping and don’t think of the world around us as something that needs our help?

Now, the roads are getting busy again and holidays abroad are being snapped up once more but what if we cut back on those as much as possible, could we do it? Could we live a more local and pedestrian life? I think so but then my life is set up well for that. For others maybe it’s harder.

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The thing is, if we all just say “what are they going to do” then by the time we think “what am I going to do” we’ll already have trouble knocking on our door.

Would it be easier for us if we thought about it as saving money? Would we feel less pain at changing our lives if we saw the world we live in as a friend rather than a backdrop?

I think it’s worth thinking about because, at the least, it’s then us asking what we want to do about things.

Musings on value

Image on https://pixabay.com by mishelved

I used to play D&D style video games. I like fantasy and it was fun to be part of it and create something.
Then one day I was playing one and had the option to defeat the goblins and destroy their village. My warriors marched forwards ready to destroy. Blades were drawn and flames were lit. Then my cursor scrolled over one of the foe.
“Goblin child” was written in the description, clear as day.
Suddenly it wasn’t just a game any more. Silly as some may find it I suddenly didn’t want to win the battle I’d started; it was too real.

That was some years back now and I only use D&D now to create fantastic lands ( it can be great fun creating worlds ).

I’ve just finished watching some movies. One was a Westworld style one with AIs being used to fulfill peoples fantasies until they managed to gain their freedom, the other was about a test of some war robots in a South American location.

Yes, I do like sci fi movies too and today just fell into a theme.

The thing about movies is that I find it easier to understand the world around me and the way people think from them than I do in the real world. In truth I’m pants when it comes to understanding and dealing with people and I’m useless at dealing with stress and unexpected events so a distance view is easier to take in.

Anyway these movies got me thinking.
I used to move every worm and snail to safety when I’d walk down the road and, even now, it takes a thought to stop from doing so all the time. I considered their life as being of value as much as mine, but of course that made me very weird.
Well, the movies made me ask what line we should use to decide what is a tool to us and what deserves respect and value.

Because an AI isn’t human does that mean we can be less than human in dealing with it? Is there some clause in life that says as long as we consider something lesser then we can be cruel to it and not lessen ourselves in doing so?

How do we determine the worth of any part of this existence? Can an ant or a fly have feelings and so deserve a chance to live or are they just nuisances to be eliminated?

I admit I’m a meat eater and always will be, just as I’ll still be digging up weeds tomorrow. However, I eat to survive and even carrots are alive & I weed to give room for other plants. I feel there’s a difference ( however subtle ) between doing something with respect and doing it without.

Respect. It’s a key word in so much right now. It’s the difference between doing what looks right and doing the right thing. It’s the thing of saying I see you as being real and worth seeing as an individual.
Maybe that’s where everything has to start from before the first rule is changed or banner unfurled. Just a moment when we know each of us has value.

I recall that there are/were people who revered the spirits of the animals they hunted and ate because they respected them and that these animals gave their lives in feeding these people. So it’s more than not eating or hurting some thing or some one; it’s about seeing them.

Anyway that’s what I’ve been musing over today.

Just a thought for those still here – Do you imagine when those greater than us ( be they god, goddess or other ) look down here that they see a variety of ants and other insects or do they see so many unique prizes all worth seeing and watching grow? It must be difficult up there when so many deserve a chance and helping hand.

Image on https://pixabay.com by free-photos

Remembering the Heroes

Monday marks the end of the lockdown rules.

I’m sure most people, if not everyone, will be glad to see the back of masks & isolation. They will jump for joy at not needing to measure the distances between people in queues ( although I have appreciated not feeling so suffocated when people crowd in in shops ) & feel pleasure in not having to turn away friends from their table of 6 in the pub.

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But does this also mean we’ll see an end to our lauding of our NHS and seeing our ambulance drivers as heroes? Will we once again leave our heroes in the pages of comic books and behind movie screens?

It took an epic crisis for us to see that those everyday people who push to their limits every day to help us are worthy of praise and respect. It shouldn’t take another for us to carry that truth with us.
It’s not just been NHS and other care workers either; A car mechanic went above and beyond the other day, making a disaster of a day into something I could turn around; Delivery drivers made sure so many of us were supported while isolating & so many workers risked illness or death to make sure the lights stayed on and leaks were fixed.
All these people have been heroes & now we get to carry a gift of seeing that, with us out of this crisis. Lets not miss this opportunity to remember in our rush to be normal again.

Lets get out there and live but lets also realise that others have put effort and care into making our lives easier, safer & more supported, and that they still do today, tomorrow & every day.

It’s time to look up and remember. To look and see what people have given and still give. To not think, ‘Oh, I’m so important and they’re just a …….’, or judge them on appearances, but instead to praise who they are and what they offer to our lives every day.

Hero. Who?

Image from pixabay.com by artcorestudios

A thought for everyone.

In those apocalypse movies when all the ‘best and most important’ are given space in some safety bunkers, what would happen after they got out of the bunkers?

A hint to what I’m driving at – The best usually include bankers and politicians but not waste management people or builders. The most important may include master chefs but are not likely to include butchers, farmers or foragers.

What do we think the chances are for these people coming out into a pristine wilderness or chaotic landscape?

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My thoughts have been whirling around of late, trying to work out where I stand on so many issues and in so many aspects of life and I’ve ended up coming to the conclusion that I’m probably asking myself the wrong questions based on assumptions that I don’t agree with.
The biggest assumption I’m looking at right now is who are heroes, who are role models and who are important.

There’s a call/need for more black role models, for more female role models, for more good role models..
Maybe it’s also ( or even, more so ) a case of there being a need for seeing the value in more people and understanding that being famous or such shouldn’t be the same as being important or worthy of respect.
Of course there’s no chance of a farmer making the news for doing their job or a bin person being the lead in an action movie, but their powers are hidden. As long as they do their jobs no one notices them but when they stop… well, the world goes to pot.

Being important means making a difference to people’s lives and those who seem the smallest through one lens are often the ones silently making a difference in so many lives.

So, maybe you’re the hero., you might not even realise it.

Tomorrow’s battlefield

I keep trying to write my next post but every time the words escape me.

I’m not moved by the fire of knowing oppression or the force of having something to lose. I don’t have a great monster to fight or heroic blade to wield. I’m nothing much really.

Why do I even speak when I know I’m just a tiny voice whispering in the storm? It’s not because I know all the answers or think that I can change the world.
Half the time I doubt myself so. Am I just a dreamer who knows nothing of truth and harsh reality?
Yet, if I am, do I then sacrifice the hopes of a beautiful togetherness for a bitter fight where I can so easily forget the light of tomorrow in the smoke and powder?

I have a dream you see, just like everyone does. Oh, nothing fancy or great.
I look round and we’re all holding onto some solid reality to fight from. Some certainty that stops us being caught in the rushing river of life and change. For some it’s the truth they know that is absolute and as such prevents all other truths existing in the same space, for others its a deep hurt or a blazing scar that has to be acknowledged or paid for. We create our solid worlds like freezing the waters into icebergs but it doesn’t change the flow of water that we try so hard to make disappear. Then we hold on and can’t see that others are afraid too.
I dream of people with eyes open and caring. Listening and seeing. Knowing that all the important fights they once had are of no importance any more. What everything will look like I don’t know but I dream of the feeling of harmony.

For those who’ve seen Les Mis there’s a scene where all the cast sing different songs but all tie into one harmony of music ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IddP8AAIGTQ ). That’s what I imagine, although a song with more hope in it and less about an impending battle.

Some point maybe we’ll have a song of harmony where our words and views are different but somehow they can live together. A point where it’s not so much about right or wrong as coming together.

We don’t get to stop the world changing but maybe it’s not as much about choosing which change it is as knowing that there can be more than one world in the same spot and that, that can make both more in the long run. If only we can stop long enough to see the humanity in the eyes looking at us.

It seems so crazy at times, watching from a distance, that something as simple as being taught the awful things of the past as well as the good, can be so controversial. Or that all the crimes of our ancestors can be held to be on the shoulders of those not alive then.
I can’t see that either are healthy things or that anyone can see them as right., yet so much the cacophony of battle does ring that all is seen as war.

Is there a chance that, in saying what was done in the past was wrong and letting our children learn of and from that, we can come together more. And is there some hope that we can be seen to be trying to change and that, that can be enough that we can be seen as more than the past, more than monsters?
And, before you say that’s not what we’re angry about or worried about, is there a chance that the noise is so loud that what is really being said is getting lost and twisted and that shouting more is only adding to the storm rather than making the words clearer?

I’m not moved by fire or force. Just by sadness because I think that most of the fighters were never enemies, just people who don’t hear each other anymore and just see twisted monsters in place of the people who they really face.
I’m moved by not wanting to have to imagine the lives and futures lying on tomorrows battlefield, dead for no reason other than too much noise.

A Good Reason to be Proud

I grew up loving history and myths & legends. Seeing the stories come to life of great kings and wondrous feats; of 500 Spartans holding a pass or elephants marching the Alps; of a powerful queen fighting back the legions or roaring battles on the high seas; of men who could stand like gods and gods among men. It never occurred to me what was missing in those days and holding those stories gave me the strength to hold on when I felt alone and hurt.

Then I learnt of ‘being proud’. Being proud of having a good job, being proud of changing the world, being proud that you will be remembered forever on tv or for some great act.
Perhaps it would be better to say that I learnt how not to be proud. I learnt how to judge my value in the world and find myself wanting.

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In the movie Schindler’s List Oskar Schindler tells a Nazi commandant “Power is when we have every justification to kill, and we don’t”. It’s a powerful point.
It’s easy to find power in being able to destroy or control – it’s such a great, noisy splash and leaves such noticable cavities – but realising how powerful a quiet ripple of kindness is can be really hard.

Likewise, history and legends talk to us of how bedecked out warriors and great leaders change the world but record rarely more than a side note of the people who feed these greats or the quiet goings on that kept the world going. There are no tales of the great farmer who toiled through the edge of the storm to save the last turnip which fed the king so that he was strong enough to win victory or of the traveller who knew a bit about herbs and managed to save a person here and a person there and gave those families a chance to live.

These days it can be even harder to hear that quiet ripple. The whole world seems like a rushing madness of people clambering to be on top or a cacophony of people who declare their greatness and shout their value, while great tides seem to reach up and fight to change the world with strengths we can only imagine. A great rush which can leave so many feeling left behind.

What use a small nobody like me in this age where so many can find greatness?

How scary the view from the top when you know that a single false step can drop you down into the abyss of obscurity?

Like I said, how not to be proud.

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So maybe it’s time to realise we can be proud of the small things? Because you don’t need to make a splash to change the world for the better.

To take two of the biggest topics of the current age – Changing the world’s attitudes on race and saving the planet – big marches are what everyone sees, but these cannot be the only force, for how will they travel the world and right every wrong all at once?
No crowd can make people see a person behind a skin tone or pick up litter off a beach. Those require someone just being themselves and reminding others that they have value or someone walking the beach and quietly picking at the litter.

I doubt we’ll ever champion these quiet acts of power on a movie or find them lauded in well read blogs but it’s worth remembering that being the person who gave another hope by some small act or who changed someone’s view just by letting them see who you really are is something to be proud of and the foundation on which so many great things are built.

Reflections, Realisations & Responsibility

I recently read a post about Critical Race theory. It was the first time I’d heard of it and I did a quick google search to get a basic gist.

My first thought was that it sounded like a positive step away from just trying to impose rules and towards changing thoughts. The idea ( which was mentioned ) that it was more focused on stories and feelings experienced and expressing views, in particular appealed as it’s a great way to change people’s impressions and understanding where rules only prevent them from expressing their old views.
My second thought was nervousness when I came to the idea that white people shouldn’t have a say in this movement ( more on my reasons in a moment & they may not be what you’re thinking ).
My third was a niggling doubt when it came to the idea of White Privilege ( again more later & please keep an open mind until you’ve read it all ).

So here I am with these feelings niggling at the back of my mind. I spent a day just chewing them over to get right to the heart of them. It’s easy, after all, to feel opposed to something if you don’t know why it’s irritating you.
Anyway I wanted to share my thoughts and musings here.

White voice –
Straight off lets be honest, there’s no way I have the knowledge or right to tell someone else what they feel or have experienced so not having a say on someone else’s experience is to be expected.
So what worried me?
Hitler, Napoleon & Trump.
Yes, really. You see the whole point of what’s happening right now is to give people who don’t have them the same freedoms the rest of us have but that’s not necessarily what everyone sees; for some it’s been sold as a kind of hostile takeover or power struggle and the idea that they can’t have a say adds to that sense; for others it’s an unknown quantity and they feel left out. In all these cases if people don’t express and discuss these feelings – hopefully coming to more understanding – they end up burying them and building on them over time until they become great resentments.
From what I can see it happened in Germany after the 1st world war when people felt put on with the sanctions and voted in someone who said “It’s all the Jews fault,” and with so many people who felt they had lost their voices and were losing their work in the US before Trump. I don’t want to watch the world go in cycles from better to backlash and round again, not any more.

White Privilege –
This was the harder one for me to get to the bottom of and took a lot of thought.
You see, when I read the word Privilege it makes me think of something that can only be held if you are granted it, a benefit so to speak. However, what we’re talking about are things like the right to feel safe, protected, heard & respected among other things.
These are RIGHTS, things which all should have without question or requirements.
My first feeling with privilege was that these are things which are going to be taken away and, more so, that I was being looked at as some kind of thief or criminal for having them.
Looking at it again in this light I can see that it’s more a question of realising that these are things which we need to be aware not everyone has yet.
In truth it was only in 1832 that there was a move to allow more men of lower class to vote, and I doubt I could have voted before 1839, while the right to free health care only appeared in 1948, so those rights I take for granted have only become so relatively recently.

The other thing we forget too often is that with these rights come responsibilities – If I can vote then I bear some responsibility for my government; if have a house I must look after it; if I am safe I must make sure not to put others in danger; if I am respected for me then I must offer that respect and understanding to others.

Too often we forget to pass on the rights we have or offer the same respect and kindness to others that is offered to us.
This, I think, is the most important thing, the fact that we are responsible and that our freedoms and rights makes us so and give us the chance to give some goodness out without losing anything ourselves.

Reason To Believe — The Sound Hole

Ignore the 70s hair… “If I listened long enough to you, I’d find a way to believe that it’s all true…knowing that you lied…straight-faced while I cried…still I look to find a reason to believe.” Those lyrics always spoke to me, spoke to me about betrayal, about the reality of people knowing they lied, and […]
Reason To Believe — The Sound Hole

This post by Annzimmerman ( https://bigeasygrrl.blog/2021/05/21/reason-to-believe/ ) resonated with me. It describes much of how it looks to me that things are going and how easy it is for people who are generally good to end up scared, angry and easily guided to find someone ‘different’ to blame. I would extend that beyond just black/white as there have been many similar times, from gentlemen/labourers, rich/poor to jews/non jews and many more.
This article also points to several difficult answers, notably taking responsibility and having communication without denial or blame.
In that vein I would really like for you to comment, whether to disagree or agree, and to give some thoughts on where this leads you or why you think as you do. It would be nice to share views and learn.

Dangerous Silence

I’ve had this niggling need to write this post for quite a while but have been reluctant to, because I know that it’s a topic I only know a little of and one which I could easily make a mess of. However it’s just kept niggling at me, getting stronger and stronger so I shall try my best.

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I caught a little of the news this morning, it was something about someone being arrested for shouting anti-semitic and misogynistic stuff. What interested me was that the presenter was talking to some official and using all the right words but what he was saying reminded me of how I once tried to show my knowledge of classical history by using the right words but without any deeper understanding of what they actually meant.
It was the same sense of someone coming in with an ‘I understand’ attitude but no deep knowledge. As I say, I know I don’t understand much. I was recently reminded that there is a need for rights for Black culture as well as for the people but I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if I even truly understand the concept of culture let alone one which I’m not a part of.
Actually my first thought at that time was to ask myself if I belonged to a culture and what that culture was. I guess it’s because, for me, it just is and I’ve never thought more about it than that.
Certainly it’s more than just cream teas and cricket or morris dancers vs mardi gras parades. It didn’t take much thought to realise that it’s as much a state of mind and a sense of roots as it is anything tangible.

But I digress.

You see what’s got me is that one day soon all the laws will be in place, all the statues will be gone and all the voices of hate will be silent.
Sounds good doesn’t it. Just about the right time for everyone to go home and pat themselves on the back for a job well done, right?

But the thing is that it doesn’t stop the voices in people’s heads.
You know the ones, the voices which say, “I’d have a job and money if it wasn’t for this group or that coming in & taking all the work ( which I probably wouldn’t be prepared to do anyway but… )”, or “It’s all their fault. They’re evil and are conspiring against me and my family” etc, etc..

I worry that those voices will whisper and people will get angrier in silence but no one will notice because all is silent.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for laws and stopping hate. It’s just that, despite what it seems like when you watch the news, changing the big stuff can’t be the end, or even the majority, of change.
At some point the change has to be to the image painted in the back of someone’s mind and to the words whispered in the depths of their brain. It’s why I didn’t just want statues torn down without new ones raised and it’s why a presenter paying lip service without the sense of understanding bugs me.

There has to be a point where we can proudly say, “this person was great. I recognize how we are different to each other but I can also stand a little taller knowing we’re from the same place and that they did so much good.”
I hoped that would happen first, before the laws began to come in place and people had the time to build up resentment for the fact that their hateful words were being silenced, but it’s not an easy thing to do, I would imagine.

Just so long as we don’t forget to do that because I’d really love to one day be able to know what culture is and know that a myriad of them are whirling around in harmony, and to know that people all over can hear a voice inside saying loud and clear, “be proud because of all who come together and the good in every one of them.”