So I’ve found myself musing. ( And be warned, this is controversial ) My big question of the day is; what are we inside?
I know, very mystical and without clarity.. Seriously though, I’ve been reading about mercy and kindness, and anger and hate; about the lies we carry and the limits we put on ourselves and I can’t work out which is the true us.
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In many places you’ll find strong words of how humankind is inherantly bad or good but I’m starting to think that ignoring one for the other leaves us with a big gap in our understanding of ourselves and others. Now I’m not saying we should go out and embrace our inner Joker in some evil megalomaniac way. On the contrary, if being good is something we have to work at doesn’t that make it an even more valuable thing?
What I’m saying is that dark impulse inside which says, “You should say this nasty thing,” or “That’s yours, you can have it and who cares who gets hurt,” or “So what. I don’t care about them. I don’t know them“, is also part of us. We can’t ignore that we have these feelings because then we just end up bottling them up into resentment later or, worse, having them seep out into our lives without our noticing.
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Are we a balance of two forces? Like how hope and fear can battle inside us – one warning of danger, the other giving us the strength to face it for a good reason. If so then we can’t just ignore one side of ourselves. Those dark thoughts are like waymarkers to what we don’t want to do and can be a warning so that we don’t sleepwalk into being those things. So long as we remember to choose to care.
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It’s easy to forget our loved ones while we’re busy working, or ignore common kindness because we’re hurt or annoyed. So maybe we can use our own feelings to see how our actions can cause them in others. Perhaps, by understanding the fears and desires that we choose to be greater than, we can see when we fail to care and find the hope to care again.
Today was Remembrance Sunday in the Uk. Usually I spend the two minutes of silence thinking of all the battlefields and war zones – imagining them without gloss or shine, with the mud and pain. I can’t say it’s accurate ( all I have are words, films and pictures to go on ), only that it feels like I’m getting some hint of how it may have felt. This year, however, I found myself asking how I would explain to someone who didn’t understand, my wish to remember and pay respects.
It wasn’t an easy thing to express even to myself, but a lot of it comes down to faces. You see, it’s easy to take things and strip them so they’re easier to deal with. Governments do this at times when they turn huge groups of people into percentages or large amounts of money into pennys in the pound ( of tax paid ) and we do this a lot when dealing with groups of other people who we don’t know. It’s so much easier dealing with one lump rather than many individuals and, often, it’s even necessary ( after all I wouldn’t be able to know or remember even the population of a small town, let alone a country ). The problem, maybe even danger, lies in what happens if we lose sight of the fact that these are real people, not just faceless numbers or clay moulded generalisations.
This time of year there’s a chance ( nay. An obligation ) to stop running and still ourselves, and, in that time, a moment when we can be reminded of the faces and lives of others who faced the harshest of things and, in doing so, were shown more clearly to history, as though a bright light was shone on them. These were and are men and women who’ve faced, for whatever original reason, the chance of death and pain in order to protect us – though to them we must be a faceless mass as well – without hope of thanks or praise. Those who returned will have changed greatly because of what they faced and some will have been lucky to return but only to find that they don’t fit in at home any more.
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There is no one description of what a warrior should look like, nor would all we honour be called warriors. The spies and medics, strategists and communications people and so many others were also there and heroes too. Likewise not all those worthy of honouring saw battle with blade and gun. There are countless heroes who would charge through fire or face a violently waved gun unarmed, have fought to save a life which is fading through their very hands or sparked hope in someone who’s life feels worthless.
I remember these people today because of the fact that they chose to do this, to care when it was hardest and thankless. I remember them so that I may remember that spark of goodness which is the most important thing to see in those I meet.
There are bound to be many more lists but these were the two most easy for me to find. The names link to more detailed descriptions of the recipients and their lives.
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I think it’s sometimes worth seeing that these are more than just faces and would suggest it’s worth browsing through to remember that these are among the people we honour – they are many and varied, of every path that we could live on, but they are as one in that they risked it all for people who didn’t even know them. I would also say it’s worth remembering the firefighters and medics, police and others ( from care workers to people who just happened to be in the right place at the right time ) whose sacrifices will be remembered in their own memorial sites and walls or in the memories of communities and family.
If you want to add links to other memorial lists, pages or heroes in comments please do. I would welcome them.
I woke afraid this morning. Well, when I say afraid I should explain that I’m using that word to mean something deeper than just the simple worries that many people think of. I woke with a fear that felt like it was in my body as well as my mind, and I lay in bed for several minutes before I could put my will into getting out of bed. I felt the fear as it faded over the course of the morning, never knowing why or what I was afraid of.
I used to wake afraid, a lot. Most times it would be a simple thing of waking up worried about everything I’d done the day before and was due to on the day to come. Not that, that was simple – my days were spent focused on every possible way I could have done the wrong thing; every hurt I caused or mistake I made seemed to me like I’d ruined someones life or irreparably broken some core part of the world; even in resting I couldn’t escape my fears or the worthlessness I felt. There were some mornings though, when my fear was like a clutching terror, a feeling of being afraid to get up and even exist in life.
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You see, I don’t fear death. It’s not something I want to seek out but when it’s my time I’ll most likely accept it as a long rest away from all the worrys and fears. What I do fear, and have for a long time, is living. I fear every chance I have to fail, and dread every time I’m responsible for a choice or action, object or life. I fear because I can see my failures and failings as if they were tattooed onto the backs of my eyelids. I worry at every chance I have to do the wrong thing because I can see how much damage it could cause.
But it’s not my fear that I wanted to write about today, it’s the life I live with it.
I told you that I don’t fear death, but here’s why I don’t choose to die today. I’m needed – not as some great hero or powerful person but, rather, in my everyday life. I have people who love and would miss me and they depend on me as much as I do them; I have people I work for, oh I may just be a small gardener turning soil and talking to plants but I’m a solid presence for people who may be on their own most days and the gardens are a bright space of colour and life for people who need them; I have plants and animals I care for, whether by putting out bird seed or watering a plant in summer; And who can say what good I can do with a smile to a stranger.
I choose not to die because I’m needed and, even though I may never see it, there is a chance that something I say or do can help someone else.
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I didn’t use to think like that. When I started fear was like a grey cloud over me and I.., I was the smallest child who could never look up. I knew I could never be loved or worthy of any good. In my world I saw myself as just the dirt on the road that the hero wouldn’t even notice. Even now, I find it hard to reconcile that this is my life and not just some house of cards, based on a lie I made up that I can be an adult and good enough to work a real job.
I don’t even know how things changed, other than it was so slowly that I never even noticed. Finding the strength to look up at someone’s face; being tricked by my parents into riding on the bus; not wanting to let someone down; wanting to make something beautiful; writing the words I was too scared to say. The biggest thing is the most recent – realising there are people I want to be part of life with and share the smiles with; people who I can see as majestic heroes in their lives and who are amazing.
But that really is recent and I still find it a struggle to be honest with them for I fear that, should they see me, perhaps there will be something that makes them run away and leave me alone again, in the dark.
I know that I’m getting stronger and, one day soon, there will be no more lies and fear for me to hide behind but, for today, I just wanted to share and hope this helps others see that there’s always a way and hope no matter how hard or dark the day may be. You see, that’s the other reason I want to live still – because I can see, at last, the hope for all the joy I could have or give tomorrow.
Some differences between us are obvious and hardly mean anything at all when it comes to telling us who these people are. I’m thinking skin colour and gender, age and money.
Others are so hard to see unless you care enough to look but sing like a bright wonderful choir of people’s hearts and lives. Things like how they face hardships, how they connect, their family and what they may see in each moment and event.
I’ve been thinking of one of the aspects of that recently – cultures – and I wanted to share my thoughts.
I don’t know if sparkle is the correct term for a group of cultures, however it feels like the best and most appropriate term I can think of.
It’s easy not to see cultures, I know because I’ve managed not to so often. I used to think America and Ireland were the same as here in England, just with different weather and histories – recently I’ve come to realise how wrong I was. And yet…
And yet, even then, those countries, like mine, aren’t one flat universal culture. Imagine the sky and you think of a matt blue from end to end but look for just a moment and every tone and hue you could dream of could swirl in the edge of a cloud or hint at in the corner of the horizon. Then, at night, the sun sleeps for a moment and a million stars, hidden during the day, sparkle and shine, each different and special – a different twinkle, colour, song to sing.
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What is British culture? Truth is it’s so hard to find because there are so many, all easily hidden under the glare of each day. They each form their own sparkling brightness, so big they cross borders, so small they fit under a shadow. There’s the ones we show in gloss and glitter on tv screens and sometimes strive so hard to follow that we forget ourselves – from royal courts to gentleman thieves, from car burning East End to entertaining Essex. Yet there’s so much more – Cultures formed from long history or ones grown out of shared hardships; people brought together by faith and those finding a shared hope., people who shine brighter for what they’ve been through and how they live, whose scars have etched in to reveal a strength or beauty unimagined or even, still, unnoticed.
Our world is, like the changing seasons, no two points the same, and that’s the most wonderful part of it. The big thing to remember is that none of these cultures is about having it easy or destroying the others. They each have their own hardships and the greatest beauty comes when we all shine together.
There are people who’ve such strong beliefs that each act of life is a lesson in doing what’s right for more than themselves, yet that faith gives them hope at the darkest hours. There’re families who strive to support each other when, at times, they may want nothing more than to be alone, yet you should see them laugh and smile and share memories. There are people who’ve had to hide themselves for a lifetime but somehow find a light in the dark, who seem at times to laugh too hard but who we wont see when they’re crying seas. There are kings and royals who hold gems in their hands yet have every moment mapped out for them and every movement watched..
I could go on forever. I thought that accepting people meant not minding what they look like but I think theres more to it than that, because seeing what makes them special is a far harder thing, but truer in seeing who they are. It’s the difference between being invited to the party and feeling alone in the corner, or going to a party and being brought into the conversation and being able to dance. And lets face it, doesn’t a party feel more fun when loads of people are up and dancing and laughing?
As I say, it got me thinking. Thinking about how we often fail to see our own value and power, and how we don’t always realise the impact we can have on life. I know it doesn’t always feel like we have much impact or value but we do and, realising that gives us a chance to make it more positive.
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How often do we end up looking back on our day to see what we’ve done – Worked, shopped, picked up children etc.. I’m sure we all have, but, have we included stopping to let someone cross the road, smiling, not grouching at the annoying person who nearly walked in to us? I mean, obviously that’s just us being, well, us. Or is it?
It sure made a difference to the person who was standing in the rain roadside; May have been the one saving grace on a day of woe for the person you smiled at; and as for the annoying person, it could have been they were having a worse day than you and you just prevented them from going completely into a dark place by not making it worse.
Don’t sell yourself short, remember that showing the best of you can change things when you don’t even notice it. And, of course, there’s every chance that will pass on to others, as those other people are also more likely to give a little kindness on, both consciously and subconsciously.
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Of course the opposite is also true. A grump, shove or small rudeness has every chance of making others feel less kind.
It’s tough trying not to do these small, but huge, things. After all we don’t even notice ourselves doing them most of the time.
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All I can say is that I find smiling and leaning towards positive/kind thoughts seems to help keep me on the better side of the line most of the time. At least it feels like it does.
Also, remembering that, for good or ill, we ARE giants ( as Take That famously sang ) in the eyes of those we’ve touched in happenstance – we just happen to be small ones in our own eyes.
Today I looked at myself and realised I wasn’t the same person I used to be.
Well. Actually I’m still the same me that I used to be, but I’m also someone new. Someone I’ve only recently met and am looking forward to getting to know.
I got to see me without all the doubt and fear, inner turmoil and self hate that grew in me all those years. I’m sure you know the smoky tendrils I’m talking about – They reach out to all of us.
Every voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough; Every time I just want to run ( away or ahead ) because standing still scares me too much; Every lie I want to hold so I don’t need to see the true me. All those fears that threaten to burst out and all those feelings that I’m just not good enough to be me, which just get reinforced every time I try and hide.
All of those were gone and I didn’t even notice them leaving.
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What happened to make me stop running?
Trust.
I realised I didn’t want to hold those I loved at a distance anymore and I couldn’t continue living trying to juggle the lies that hid me from them. It was too painful; too full of constant fears and new lies to hide from the last. I had to trust that they would still love me and, without realising it, I had to trust that who I was would be worth loving.
A funny thing happened then. I realised I could be good enough, and that I always had been. All those fears and lies ever did was hide my strengths and keep me from the best of me.
I could wake without a knot inside me and a worried eye scanning every second of the day to come, looking for my mistakes. I could spend a moment smiling without the question rolling around my head, “What am I going to do wrong to ruin this.” Most of all I learnt how to stop seeing every blip in my day as a major catastrophe to hide from the world.
I’m finally starting to trust myself and realising that I like who I am. I think, one day, it may be that I can honestly say I love myself, too.
Six letters, but also one of those BIG scary words. Change can be several things when it gets scary – Someone else’s issue; Too big to do anything about; a dark passage that could lead anywhere and could be as scary as your imagination.
Thing is, it can also be magnificent, majestic and all round amazing if you can open up to it and choose to put some of yourself into it.
Right now a lot of people want to change the world, which I think is a great thing. I just hope there’s someone out there also showing people how to accept change in themselves, because, for all the world may seem to be a pyramid controlled from the top, I see it as shaped and changed from the choices of those who form the base of the pyramid. Let one leader choose a path and it can be changed by the next, but when a whole country of people sees a world another way that change flows into the many tomorrows to come.
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I’m going to be a bit controversial here, but I don’t think I can finish this post without doing so. However, before you read on, I’m going to add that what comes next is said to all, no matter how right or wrong they are or which side of lifes fences they sit on. This is not a post to say who’s a hero and who’s a villain because no-one believes themselves wrong in life until they look in themselves and, even when we’re right, there can be so much more to learn.
You see, for me, changing this world’s not just about seeing a faceless band of enemies to fight – whether by dint of their colour or banners or opinions – or about shouting loud and hard. That can change today, which can be good, but tomorrow..?
I want more. I want people to look in themselves for the enemy and face it there so that others can see how to do the same.
I want people to look and realise that other people don’t need to be inferior so that they can be superior – the more we raise each other up, the higher we all can reach.
I want people to realise that there’s nothing scary about caring for others or wanting a brighter tomorrow, even when they come with uncertainty and hard work. Doors will close and things may become hard but we can face life together and find new doors, and work, and hope.
I want people to see that objects and ideas don’t, and can’t, define them ( or others ) in either negative or positive ways – whether guns or statues, long held stigmas or handed down beliefs about others, or a hundred other things. I’m not saying the hurt isn’t there, just that those objects aren’t the hurt, safety or protection that they get used as so often, and dealing with or holding onto them isn’t dealing with the depth of what hurts and scares you, and everyone – both those involved AND those watching – need to realise that. People need to change the staute inside themselves, let go of stereotypes they have of others, stop holding onto fear in weapons and realise that there’s more to see in each other.
Most of all, I want people to realise that each heart is like a reed ( as similarly imagined by the Ancient Greek – Aesop ) – they bend so easily, but for each tied together their strength is increased, until they can be built up to reach the very stars.
Yes, I know some will see this as me wanting to say, “everyone’s ok and we can go back to normal.”
HAH!
Far from it. I want things to change, I just want more to change than just the decor.
I don’t want the US police to be reformed better only to slide back over time because people still look at the world the same. I don’t want a rainforest saved just so someone can decide to bulldoze it in 50 years time. This isn’t me writing to say don’t rock the boat. It’s me saying, teach everyone to see that they can paddle too because I’m fed up of going in circles.
By all means do what you feel is right, just do it knowing we ALL have to change for life to really change. We have to do it together, as much because of our differences as in spite of them – none of us can change the world alone.
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So that’s the scary bit said and maybe even a little anger stoked. I can’t apologise for that – I needed to say it because it feels so important. I’m not expecting to change what people feel is right to do, I just want them to really look as they do what they choose to.
Here’s a song some of you will recognise, which says it all –
They all Laughed – Lyrics by George & Ira Gershwin, sung by Tony Benett, posted on Youtube by Reysmusiclounge
And that’s why change is good. From Columbus to the Wright brothers and hundreds of others before and after, change has created thousands of wonders and great beginnings and given this world some wonderful, hopeful and joyous creations, moments, paths and triumphs. Change has seen people wanting to reach out to the rest of the world and look for more.
We changed the world so we could reach across and hold it, maybe we can change our view so that, one day, we can really see it.
I know. I hadn’t intended to post so much in such a short time. It’s just one of those times when life is an internal whirlwind with so many thoughts I want to share from events I just need to live.
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I doubt many see sadness as a positive emotion. Even now, when it’s more acceptable, we still bottle up the tears, put a brave face on the pain and step forward into the light of our ‘normal’ days. We hide our pain in a box, lock it, throw away the key and bury the box in the darkest recesses of our minds where they can sit and gather dust. There they ferment and twist the best bits of our days with unacknowledged pain. As for getting them back out of the box.. that’s even harder. After all we don’t have the ‘right’ to feel hurt after a certain time has passed.
You find it with funerals – everyone gathers to support the bereaved on the day and there are cards and flowers in the days leading up to it but, the day after, all the pain should just magically disappear. It doesn’t, and don’t expect it to be so convenient to wait until you’re alone at home before it decides to burst out either.
So, with all that said, why am I going to write of sadness as a positive emotion? Because it’s the strongest moment that we show we care. It’s the point that shows we know how important that loss was in our lives. I’ve held many of my tears in for years but I’m not proud of that and I still don’t know how to let all those feelings out. One day I hope I will but, til then, I’ll make do with the occasional drop with a sad song.
Every tear is a reminder of how much we can care and how deep we can feel. Sometimes they come unheeded when a hint of memory blows our way. At others it can be a torrent of weakness that brings us to our knees without even a hint of water to our eyes – a tear in our hearts taking the very energy from us.
This is us acknowledging the worst losses we can face so that, one day, we can remember the best moments we had together with a smile and a joy in our hearts. Whether it’s a pet, a partner, a mentor, or even something that was hurt or broken in yourself, all these are worthy of the love those tears show you have for them. It isn’t something to feel guilty about or a secret to deny.
When it comes time to cry let the tears water the memories of how special what you lost was; let them remind you so that you can hold those special memories in your heart and learn to heal with a bit of that goodness living on in you. It’s a strength to have had that in your life, no matter how long or brief, not a weakness. It’s a chance to remember what was good and to give it a chance to live again in you.
Faith. My first thought with writing this was the story that pops up a lot about a drowning man who keeps turning away human help ( helicopters, boats etc.). He dies and asks God why he didn’t help and God replies, “Well I sent you all this help but you turned it away.” It’s a good reminder that miracles happen every day, they just happen to look like normal occurances. And yet that’s not really faith for me – or, perhaps, not the whole of what it is.
Faith. For me it’s not really about knowing for sure something’s there. It’s more the comfort of realising what we do means more.
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I know how dark it was for me when I felt alone, as though all had deserted me and I was a ghost to be ignored; a valueless speck to be kicked away. There was a long time when the world turned grey and my feelings and thoughts were just a vanishing muted thing as all my efforts went into surviving day in, day out.
It’s not something I would have escaped on my own, though I didn’t know there were people helping me at the time; my closest family were just slightly more than the shadows that made up my long path to my eyes. I can’t point to one big thing which helped me the most – yes, they took me away from the bullying so that I could start to heal, but there was so much more they did; every little kindness and act that reminded me I was someone worth being; every time when I sensed them being aware and close by; every forgivness of my mistakes or attempt to share something they loved with me. All these little things which I only half knew to have happened was like a ripple of colour waking things inside which I only became aware of as time passed.
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Faith is that point when it’s darkest and you stop and listen, and the sense of that warmth of love and support is just there on the edge of your knowing. Yet, it’s also that point that you ask yourself, “Is it worth me doing this little nothing” – do I take the time to wait for that person crossing the road; should I say thank you; do I ask that person if they want help carrying those bags.
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In the first case it’s trusting enough to open up and feel that love ( and that’s a really scary thing to do ), not just the love offered to you but also the love others share among themselves or with strangers, or even just with the world at large. Those little moments of light such as birdsong and starshine, sunlight and raindrops, all of those things are also kindnesses that help you find your way out of the dark – little bits of love that just flow through life. All these moments of light and warmth give us strength to keep standing each day.
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In the second instance it’s trusting that, no matter how small what we do feels or how insignificant we may feel, the little things we do can do will create ripples across the world which will be there to give someone the strength they need to go on.
It can seem so pointless to take the extra time for such insignificant acts, especially when you have so many big ones to deal with and so many places to rush to. It’s hard to find the strength and energy to smile and care when you carry so many worries or hurts. It seems too hard for such a small pay off, and yet, for someone it won’t be small or insignificant – it will be their one light in that day, or the strength they need to make it through to the next; it could even be the first stepping stone they need to start their journey out of the pain.
Remember there’s a well of hope just hidden from view and every kindness and smile can help to fill it. If anyone has their own views on faith I’d love to hear them.
Hi everyone, I want to talk about some acts of kindness today. Recently, I have been observing some small things that make people happy and this made me think that being kind may not be hard after all. The acts of kindness that I want to talk about today all involve reminding them that you […]
Musings of Waking in the World 